i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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