why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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