When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
