Everything about him screamed your future.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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