Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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