when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
