wanna go halves on a baby?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
