Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
