I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
