Umm I'm too high to move.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
