I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
