seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
