I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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