Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
