After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
