I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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