She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
