You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
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