My friends, they love my intelligence
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
