I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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