I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
