OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
