Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
