ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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