this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
