I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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