i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
