I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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