i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
