do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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