we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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