I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
