You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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