need another drink. this is the easiest way
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
