: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Randomize
