Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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