He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
