There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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