Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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