Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
