So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
