i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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