Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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