You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
