Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
