at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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