Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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