in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
