I am puke
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
