They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
